10 Tips for Managing ADHD as a Couple and Our Personal Experience

Hi fellow ADHD warriors and lovebirds! Welcome to the Marvelers, where we navigate the rollercoaster of life with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)!

Today, I’m excited to share some insights on managing ADHD as a couple, especially when you and your partner are in a long-distance relationship like mine.

As a 24-year-old woman with ADHD, I know firsthand the challenges and joys that come with this neurodiversity. And guess what? My partner, who’s all the way down under in Australia while I’m here in Indonesia, also has ADHD. Of course, some days are challenging. But with a bit of patience, understanding, and some tried-and-true strategies, we’re making it work. So, let’s dive into 10 tips for managing ADHD as a couple, even when miles apart:

1. Establish Clear Communication Channels

In a long-distance relationship (and relationship in general), communication is key. Set regular times to talk, whether it’s through video calls, texts, or voice messages. Having a consistent schedule helps manage impulsivity and ensures both partners feel connected.

Damian and I agree to call each other at the same time every day at night. This helps to create a routine and give us some predictability. Because we already know that we’re going to call each other at the same time every day, we know how to schedule our day around our calls, so every day we can make it work. We’ve been practicing this for three years now.

However, this is by no means a strict schedule, sometimes we skip the call altogether because we have something important to do, or we push the call earlier or later to accommodate our schedules. Just be flexible!

As someone with inattentive ADHD, I understand that this can be hard and a lot of work—and it is!—for you in the beginning, and I know that this doesn’t work for everyone. My tip for you is, just start small and experiment what works for you. Start by setting up small, general goals like calling each other every day for at least 10 minutes.

Having a scheduled call every day really helped us went from impulsively talking to each other randomly throughout the day for a total of 7 hours or more down to a more manageable total hours, keeping our connection strong without feeling drained.

What if it’s hard to call each other every day?

Then agree on other communication channels, such as WhatsApp, Telegram, Instagram, or others. If there’s a huge time difference between you and your bae, try to update every now and then to your partner, even if they can’t read it at the moment.

2. Use Visual Aids and Reminders

ADHD brains thrive on visual cues. Create shared calendars, to-do lists, or use apps like Trello or Asana to keep track of tasks and commitments. This helps both partners stay organized and on the same page.

Damian and I use Google Calendar to schedule and physically block our calls. I have the inattentive type of ADHD and I get distracted a lot, especially when I’m hyperfocusing on something! I really struggle to come on time for our calls because of my distractions. Damian, having the more hyperactive type of ADHD, is better at discipline, so this isn’t a problem for him — but it is a huge problem for ME.

I use Google Calendar because it’s also connected to my work and daily calendar, so it’s easy to see how our calls will fit in my day. I set a reminder so that Google Calendar will remind me that there’s a call 5 minutes before. This way, my brain can tell me to prepare for the call and have time to hit the brakes on whatever I’m doing when I’m in the middle of those hyperfocus spells. Having a physical reminder there makes it easier for me to be on time for our calls!

Other than Google Calendar, we also use a shared Notion to plan everything from our movie watchlist, restaurant wish list, future travels, business ideas, and wedding planning. Now, Notion deserves its own post because we use it really extensively. There’s a learning curve to it, but trust me, once you get the hang of Notion, you will love it! Notion really, really helps us to be on the same page and we will continue to use it even after we close the distance.

3. Practice Active Listening

ADHD can sometimes make it challenging to stay focused during conversations. Practice active listening by paraphrasing what your partner said to ensure you understand correctly. It shows you’re engaged and reduces misunderstandings.

I know how incredibly hard it can be to keep track of conversations. If you’re like me, then you understand how frustrating and humiliating it can get when your partner asks you to repeat what they said and you can’t recall a single thing.

I’m aware that I’m very easily distracted and can’t focus on just looking at him and listening sometimes! I had to listen to him while watching something else, or reading an article, or writing something. What I didn’t realize was that my brain was on autopilot, and I wasn’t really listening!

To be honest, this inattentiveness have given rise to a lot of arguments in our relationship. Understandably, Damian feels like he’s not being paid attention to. I know I have to change this and do something.

I always try to be attentive and keep track of the conversation, but sometimes it’s just difficult to do this consistently, so I do what I can. Here’s what I try to do:

Instead of always responding to Damian with “mm-hmm” or “yeah I know” or “I know right” (I still do this from time to time, but I’m now aware of when to use this or not), I try to paraphrase what he said before giving my own opinions. This does two things:

First, if you understand what they said correctly, then it will demonstrate that you’re engaged in the conversation. Brownie points for you!

Second, if you understand it wrong, you can give your partner a chance to clarify it and prevent potential arguments by reducing misunderstandings.

4. Be Patient and Understanding

Living with ADHD means embracing a unique way of thinking and processing information. Be patient with each other’s quirks and differences. Understand that forgetfulness or impulsivity isn’t personal; it’s part of the ADHD experience.

I’m going to be honest here — My ADHD symptoms are so much worse compared to Damian’s(I have the inattentive type and his ADHD is primarily hyperactive), and this has a lot of implications on our relationship. A lot of our arguments stem from my behaviors that can also be attributed to ADHD.

I get distracted easily. I keep forgetting what my partner just said. I keep forgetting to do stuff. I keep forgetting to reply to his messages when I’m in the middle of my hyperfocus sessions. I keep blurting out words that comes off as rude. Sometimes we’re in the middle of an argument and I lost track of the conversation because I see a gecko on the wall.

In no way does that mean that I don’t love him, or that I don’t care about him.

Research indicates that ADHD is linked to weaker functioning and structure of circuits in the prefrontal cortex, particularly in the right hemisphere. The prefrontal cortex is crucial for regulating attention, behavior, planning future actions, and inhibiting inappropriate responses. Imaging studies also indicate underactivity in this area in individuals with ADHD.

What does this mean?

This means that individuals with ADHD often struggle with poor impulse control, which can manifest as saying or doing things without thinking them through carefully. This impulsivity may lead to speaking or acting in ways that are hurtful or inappropriate, even if they don’t mean to be hurtful.

5. Set Realistic Expectations

ADHD can make time management and planning a bit tricky. Set realistic expectations together, considering each other’s strengths and limitations. Be flexible and open to adjusting plans as needed. Don’t be too rigid when planning for your future and leave some wiggle room.

ADHD has a way of throwing curveballs when you least expect it, and rigid plans can quickly become a source of stress and frustration. Instead, approach planning with a mindset of flexibility, leaving some wiggle room for spontaneity and adjustment along the way. Embrace the unexpected and view it as an opportunity to practice adaptability as a couple.

When it comes to planning for your future, don’t get too caught up in rigid timelines and concrete expectations. Instead, leave room for spontaneity and serendipity to weave their magic. Sure, it’s important to have goals and aspirations, but remember that life doesn’t always unfold according to plan – and that’s okay.

6. Celebrate Small Wins

Managing ADHD as a couple is a journey filled with ups and downs. Celebrate small victories together, whether it’s completing a task, staying focused during a conversation, or simply making each other smile.

Damian and I do this a lot! We have a little ritual that we cherish – our progress review sessions. We set aside time to reflect on our journey, using a growth planner I created on Notion. Damian reviews it with me, and together, we celebrate our small victories. Whether it’s staying focused in a conversation or tackling tasks without procrastination, we make sure to acknowledge and appreciate these little wins. Taking the time to acknowledge our progress not only strengthens our bond but also reminds us of how far we’ve come as a couple. So, if you’re in a similar situation, don’t forget to carve out time to celebrate your victories together – it’s worth it!

7. Practice Mindfulness and Self-Care

ADHD can be overwhelming at times, especially in a long-distance relationship. Incorporate mindfulness practices like meditation or deep breathing exercises into your routine to manage stress and stay grounded. Remember to prioritize self-care individually and as a couple.

ADHD can undoubtedly be overwhelming, particularly when navigating the intricacies of a long-distance relationship. The constant juggling of tasks, coupled with the distance between partners, can sometimes feel like an uphill battle. That’s where mindfulness practices come into play as our trusty allies.

Incorporating mindfulness techniques, such as meditation or deep breathing exercises, into our daily routine has been a game-changer. These practices allow us to hit the pause button amidst the chaos, center ourselves, and regain a sense of calm. Whether it’s taking a few minutes to focus on our breath or indulging in a guided meditation session together, mindfulness helps us manage stress and stay grounded, even when the world around us feels chaotic.

Prioritizing self-care, both individually and as a couple, has been instrumental in our journey. With ADHD, it’s easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of responsibilities and forget to take care of ourselves. That’s why we make it a point to carve out time for activities that recharge our batteries, whether it’s going for a walk in nature, going to the gym, indulging in our favorite hobbies, or simply pampering ourselves with a relaxing bath.

By incorporating mindfulness practices into our routine and prioritizing self-care both individually and as a couple, we’ve found a sense of balance amidst the whirlwind of ADHD and long-distance love. These practices not only help us navigate the challenges that come our way but also strengthen our bond as partners in this beautiful journey called life.

8. Divide Responsibilities Fairly

Assigning roles and responsibilities based on each other’s strengths can prevent overwhelm and foster a sense of teamwork. Whether it’s managing finances, planning visits, or coordinating daily tasks, find a balance that works for both of you.

Assigning roles and responsibilities based on each other’s strengths is like unlocking the secret sauce to preventing overwhelm and fostering a sense of teamwork in a long-distance relationship, especially when ADHD is in the mix. Picture this: a well-oiled machine where each cog fits perfectly, ensuring smooth operation despite the distance.

When it comes to managing finances, planning visits, or coordinating daily tasks, finding a balance that works for both partners is key. We’ve learned to play to our strengths and divide tasks accordingly. For instance, Damian, with his knack for numbers and attention to detail, takes the reins when it comes to managing our finances. On the other hand, my creative flair and penchant for organization make me the go-to person for planning our visits and coordinating daily tasks.

By assigning roles based on our individual strengths, we not only prevent overwhelm but also create a sense of empowerment and collaboration. Knowing that we each have our designated areas of expertise allows us to trust each other implicitly and work together seamlessly, despite the physical distance.

Moreover, assigning roles and responsibilities also helps us stay organized and accountable. We’ve established clear expectations and timelines for each task, ensuring that nothing falls through the cracks. From setting reminders for bill payments to creating shared to-do lists for visit planning, we’ve got our bases covered.

Ultimately, assigning roles based on each other’s strengths isn’t just about dividing tasks – it’s about recognizing and celebrating what makes each partner unique. It’s about embracing our differences and coming together as a dynamic duo, united by love, teamwork, and a shared vision for the future.

9. Dissociate the Person from their Symptoms

When feeling frustrated, we tend to blame our partner and seek simple explanations for their actions. Sometimes, we may attribute behavior to personality rather than ADHD symptoms. By separating the person from their symptoms, we can approach situations more rationally and offer opportunities for learning and practicing coping skills.

Have you ever found yourself so frustrated with someone, you start uttering phrases like, “He’s such a slob!” or “He’s so forgetful!”?

Reducing these behaviors solely to someone’s innate personality overlooks the opportunity for growth and development. It implies that because these traits are ingrained, there’s little room for change. This perspective is flawed. Instead, it’s essential to recognize recurring patterns in your partner’s actions. When does this behavior occur? Is it triggered when they feel cornered, threatened, or defensive?

By examining these patterns, you can gain a deeper understanding of your partner. Even amidst frustration, it’s crucial to acknowledge that ADHD may influence your partner’s actions. While ADHD isn’t curable, individuals can learn to develop better coping mechanisms.

As we navigate relationships, let’s strive for empathy and understanding, recognizing the complex interplay between individual traits and external factors.

10. Seek Support When Needed

Managing ADHD as a couple can be challenging, but you don’t have to navigate it alone. Reach out to support groups, therapists, or ADHD coaches for guidance and encouragement. Remember, asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Before receiving our ADHD diagnosis, we thought that our relationship problems stemmed from a flaw in character. We argued a lot over little things. There was a clear build-up of tension.

Finally, I decided that it was time for us to talk to a professional. Damian did this way before I did. Speaking with a psychologist significantly helped him to cope with his emotions and navigate challenges better.

Support groups, therapists, and ADHD coaches are invaluable resources that offer a safe space to share experiences, learn from others, and gain practical strategies for managing ADHD within the context of a relationship. Whether it’s attending group therapy sessions specifically tailored for couples with ADHD or seeking individual counseling to address personal challenges, these resources provide a lifeline of support that can make all the difference.

It’s important to remember that asking for help is not a sign of weakness but rather a testament to your strength and commitment to your relationship. By acknowledging your need for support and actively seeking out resources, you’re taking proactive steps toward creating a healthier and more fulfilling relationship.

So, don’t hesitate to reach out for help when you need it. Whether it’s leaning on a supportive community, seeking guidance from a therapist, or working with an ADHD coach, remember that you’re not alone on this journey. Together, you can navigate the challenges of managing ADHD as a couple and emerge stronger, more resilient, and more connected than ever before.

If you’re looking for an online resource for this, I recommend checking out adhd-couple.com and unconventionalorganisation.com. They offer group and individual coaching tailored to your needs!

Conclusion

In conclusion, navigating ADHD as a couple in a long-distance relationship comes with its own set of challenges, but with patience, understanding, and effective strategies, it’s entirely possible to create a fulfilling and harmonious partnership. Embrace the uniqueness that ADHD brings to your relationship, celebrate each other’s strengths, and remember that love knows no distance.

Do you have any personal tips or perhaps personal experience on how to manage a relationship with ADHD? Let us know in the comments!